Offer specific and helpful criticism to assist this student. If your essay was chosen, you already have extra credit for being chosen.
DO NOT REPEAT criticism.
Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.
Maximum of 650 words
Here is the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1La7pQk-84bioSjA9Qry35k3rx1WS8bXkdfHSFMeViSs/edit?usp=sharing
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Lots of "I" statements maybe try a different type of sentence structure. Give more reasons of why you want to go to Michigan State. Possibly the programs they have and/or the atmosphere you'd like in college. Talk about diversity at State as well maybe.
ReplyDeleteThis is lilly by the way
DeleteUse a better grabber or hook. The anecdote is good, but start the essay with a easy to understand hook that leads into the anecdote. Talk more about what made you "the best leader to these kids that I could be." Explain further what your "ups and downs" were and build off that and how you've changed for the better - it will really add an elements others might not have!
ReplyDeleteThe background about being a counselor and loving it is great, but since you only have 650 words, I would cut some of that out and try to add other types of details. As lily said, maybe more on Michigan State. It just seems really focused on the camp and then briefly talks about state and then ends.
ReplyDeleteLori #78 : In the first paragraph, you use present tense and past tense. When writing a paper, you need to stick to one tense so it doesn't get confusing. Their wording is kind of choppy. There are a lot of I statements, which is an easy fix. The whole background story is good, I just think you should use a different way of explaining your story and use stronger points. If you are looking at going to Michigan State, you should talk more about how that college is the right one for you and less talk about summer camp.
ReplyDeleteBill Nye- I think the whole story about the camps is very good. I just think you should add some in depth experiences you had with the kids and what you did well that made their experience so great. You should go in depth of what makes you such a strong individual. Then talk about why you want to go to Michigan State, the benefits of going there, and how it would impact your life if you attended Michigan State.
ReplyDelete#15 - The anecdote in the beginning is a great idea because it shows that you really enjoy giving back to something that gave so much to you. That will show the judges that you are a caring individual. There are, however, some things you could fix. Explaining more about Michigan State could help your case by showing that you really want to go there. You could also give more qualities about yourself that will make you stand out from other applicants. You have a good amount of words that you can use, so try to make the essay as interesting as you can.
ReplyDelete