Discussion for Class connecting St. Norbert and Munising High School
Monday, October 22, 2018
Extra Credit Blog Student One
Offer specific and helpful criticism to assist this student. If your essay was chosen, you already have extra credit for being chosen. DO NOT REPEAT criticism.
Doesn't specify what University of Michigan undergraduate program they want to be a part of. Maybe try to get into the school of ross aka the business school at michigan? Use of wrong "their". Why does being rich make you perfect for Michigan??? No strong conclusion, but good points and characteristics in 2nd and 3rd paragraph.
When applying for a scholarship, you probably shouldn't mention the raging parties you have, it's doing to show the school that you're immature and not taking the school seriously. "...live in a huge mansion that I throw a lot of parties at" should probably be cut altogether from this essay. You went from the topic of having a lot of friends to having nice cars in your garage in the same sentence, it kind of throws the topic off. Don't just say you're ambitious, tell WHAT made you ambitious and WHAT you had to work hard for to succeed in your goals. Give more specific examples of your leadership qualities like determination and ambition, and fix up some grammar mistakes like capitalization and sentence formatting.
The first paragraph is a little confusing and gets a little off topic at times. Even if your character was rich, flaunting it around probably won't impress the judges at University of Michigan. Success doesn't only come with money. Wording is weird in some parts. For example, "An example of my determination is my parents were unsuccessful farm workers and in my head I never truly accepted as my parents". That sentence just doesn't sound right when I read it, so try using different wording to make some things more understandable.
Lori #78 : In the first paragraph, he did a really bad job of making himself look good and talking himself up. Instead, he chose to talk about throwing parties at his big mansion. He also used the wrong type of their. It is very random and hard to follow, like talking about friends then cars in his garage in the same sentence. Instead of straight out coming and saying the leadership qualities he claims to have, he should tell a story or something to make people guess and want to read more to find out what heś trying to tell them. He has lots of spelling errors and that is one thing that the judges look at to eliminate the people trying to compete for this one scholarship. He uses very bland transition words. Overall, this paper makes this guy sound not very intelligent and he most likely will not be even in the running for getting this scholarship.
#27: In a college application, they want to hear exactly why University of Michigan to you, is the school for you. Give statistics, examples, or programs within the school to show you have done research and know much about the school already. When applying to Michigan, you must choose a specific school that you are interested in learning, within this essay that should be quite visible what your intentions are. There were good qualities such as ambition and determination. Maybe, use those qualities with strong specific ways those can be used in the future of his schooling. The first paragraph is by far the weakest, just try to clean it up and present yourself as a professional student rather than someone who is ready to come and party instead to study.
Bill Nye- In the first paragraph it goes from not having a lost of friends to having nice cars in his garage which is kind of confusing. Explain how you became rich, what did you have to do to reach being very wealthy from poor. Should sell himself more on how good of a student he is and less in the partying group. Colleges are not going to want you just because you party, you have to show them that you wanna learn and have goals to reach in life outside of partying. He should add examples of leadership and when he did something spectacular to really stand out against other contestants. Give reasons besides being rich in why the University Of Michigan is a great fit for you.
#15 - The reason for this prompt is to show the people who work at the University of Michigan that the writer is drawn to the undergraduate school of their choosing. I see that they mentioned the word "business" at the end of the essay, but saying that you want to go into the business college should be in the beginning of the essay. They should also mention qualities that would make them a good business person so it shows that they are serious about going to the U of M college of business. There are many grammatical and spelling errors, so if the judges see that, they will not see this essay as the best. Being rich will not impress the judges either, so I suggest toning that part of the essay down. The topics kind of fly all over the place, so they should try to focus on writing about what they like about the business college.
Doesn't specify what University of Michigan undergraduate program they want to be a part of. Maybe try to get into the school of ross aka the business school at michigan? Use of wrong "their". Why does being rich make you perfect for Michigan??? No strong conclusion, but good points and characteristics in 2nd and 3rd paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhen applying for a scholarship, you probably shouldn't mention the raging parties you have, it's doing to show the school that you're immature and not taking the school seriously. "...live in a huge mansion that I throw a lot of parties at" should probably be cut altogether from this essay. You went from the topic of having a lot of friends to having nice cars in your garage in the same sentence, it kind of throws the topic off. Don't just say you're ambitious, tell WHAT made you ambitious and WHAT you had to work hard for to succeed in your goals. Give more specific examples of your leadership qualities like determination and ambition, and fix up some grammar mistakes like capitalization and sentence formatting.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is a little confusing and gets a little off topic at times. Even if your character was rich, flaunting it around probably won't impress the judges at University of Michigan. Success doesn't only come with money. Wording is weird in some parts. For example, "An example of my determination is my parents were unsuccessful farm workers and in my head I never truly accepted as my parents". That sentence just doesn't sound right when I read it, so try using different wording to make some things more understandable.
ReplyDeleteLori #78 : In the first paragraph, he did a really bad job of making himself look good and talking himself up. Instead, he chose to talk about throwing parties at his big mansion. He also used the wrong type of their. It is very random and hard to follow, like talking about friends then cars in his garage in the same sentence. Instead of straight out coming and saying the leadership qualities he claims to have, he should tell a story or something to make people guess and want to read more to find out what heś trying to tell them. He has lots of spelling errors and that is one thing that the judges look at to eliminate the people trying to compete for this one scholarship. He uses very bland transition words. Overall, this paper makes this guy sound not very intelligent and he most likely will not be even in the running for getting this scholarship.
ReplyDelete#27: In a college application, they want to hear exactly why University of Michigan to you, is the school for you. Give statistics, examples, or programs within the school to show you have done research and know much about the school already. When applying to Michigan, you must choose a specific school that you are interested in learning, within this essay that should be quite visible what your intentions are. There were good qualities such as ambition and determination. Maybe, use those qualities with strong specific ways those can be used in the future of his schooling. The first paragraph is by far the weakest, just try to clean it up and present yourself as a professional student rather than someone who is ready to come and party instead to study.
ReplyDeleteBill Nye- In the first paragraph it goes from not having a lost of friends to having nice cars in his garage which is kind of confusing. Explain how you became rich, what did you have to do to reach being very wealthy from poor. Should sell himself more on how good of a student he is and less in the partying group. Colleges are not going to want you just because you party, you have to show them that you wanna learn and have goals to reach in life outside of partying. He should add examples of leadership and when he did something spectacular to really stand out against other contestants. Give reasons besides being rich in why the University Of Michigan is a great fit for you.
ReplyDelete#15 - The reason for this prompt is to show the people who work at the University of Michigan that the writer is drawn to the undergraduate school of their choosing. I see that they mentioned the word "business" at the end of the essay, but saying that you want to go into the business college should be in the beginning of the essay. They should also mention qualities that would make them a good business person so it shows that they are serious about going to the U of M college of business. There are many grammatical and spelling errors, so if the judges see that, they will not see this essay as the best. Being rich will not impress the judges either, so I suggest toning that part of the essay down. The topics kind of fly all over the place, so they should try to focus on writing about what they like about the business college.
ReplyDelete