Respond using ONLY useful information to develop material as shown below. Limit your responses to a short paragraph (2-3 sentences) since repeated information is not eligible for full credit.
Being chosen for the blog is worth + 2.5, each set of commentary is worth 2.5 for a total of 5 total points.
Blog #1 (female)
Click here to read
In the first paragraph you have a run on sentence. Try to add commas!
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning of your 2nd paragraph, you said that violet says she doesn't know why she didn't have a feed when she was younger, but in the reading it says that her parents couldn't afford it. A lot of the sentences are choppy, so try to make them longer and make everything flow together. You have a really great start and with some hard work and maybe reading more of the book, your paper will be great.
The writer of this essay should ensure that they are getting the names correct of characters, for example, Violet's last name is Durn, not Durner. The writer should also watch for mistakes in grammar and punctuation; things like names needing to be capitalized and try to avoid contractions (use do not instead of don't). You should maybe also try to avoid using so many "I" statements, and talk more about the experiences Violet has had or seen that make her think the way she does.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence could be stronger or catch your eye more. By the second paragraph you begin to sound more like violet. Maybe since violet is supposed to be super complex and smart try using specific vocab from the book that she says. Maybe use quotes when violet uses big words compared to others. Also violets last name is Durn not Durner
ReplyDeleteIf the feed chip is implanted when you are born, why didn't Violet get it until later? You should probably clarify. I also think that Violet, because she was homeschooled, would have a smoother way of speaking and transitioning. Rather than the blocky flow like most of the others have. Also don't forget to cite some quotes or information from the book.
ReplyDeleteI think starting the essay off with "hi" sounds kind of unprofessional, maybe a "hello" or something else would be more suitable. I agree that the feed does most of the thinking for you but it also can be useful for making a tough decision, it may help to give a point from the other side and attack it, especially since the title is "persuasive essay".
ReplyDelete