Respond using ONLY useful information to develop material as shown below. Limit your responses to a short paragraph (2-3 sentences) since repeated information is not eligible for full credit.
Being chosen for the blog is worth + 2.5, each set of commentary is worth 2.5 for a total of 5 total points.
Blog #2 (male)
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You need to introduce your character. I know that you are writing from the perspective of Violet because I have read the book, but someone who has not read the book would not know that. I feel like when you talk about the feed it doesn't really tie into the theme of your paper. Try to centralize it more around how your dad feels about the feed, because you mostly just talk about how Violet feels about the feed then you jump back into Violet's dad being a roll model. It is all over the place. Try to introduce the idea earlier, because you do not introduce it until the middle of the paper.
ReplyDeleteI believe that your transition sentences could be a bit more creative, violet has intelligence compared to everyone else, so do not dumb it down tooooo much. I think that your goal is to speak about how violet's father is a role model, but when you begin going into depth about the feed and its effects on society I think that concept gets muddled.
ReplyDeleteI liked what you had so far, and you sounded like violet. I think you should add how her dad can also not always be a role model. They fought throughout the book and Violet talks about how he makes her mad sometimes.Or even how she doesn't always like the way he talks because no one can understand him. Just an idea though to see the other side.
ReplyDeleteFits into character well, you mostly talk how Violet would sound in the book like using school TM, but could also use other words that they often use in the novel. I'm not sure but I am assuming the topic is about someone in your life who is a good role model. You kind of get offtracked for a bit on the second page and talk about Violets goals and missions. Maybe you could find a way to relate it back to the topic.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna repeat the fact that this is a good essay and I'm convinced, for the most part, that this is Violet speaking. Now not repeating information; You could mention how her dad did all he could to save her and how she admired him for that. Like, because of him she was still able to lead a societally normal life for a few years and even get a close relationship.
ReplyDeleteYou have many good points throughout your essay (why her dad is her role model). I think the last sentence of your first paragraph could be stronger or just not needed (along with some other spots in the essay). It doesn't sound like violet; she is smarter than most of the characters in the book. It sounds dumbed down. Towards the end, you go off the topic of her father being her role model.
ReplyDelete