Please comment to help your fellow classmates.
*I will be grading more harshly on usage of vague pronouns, so watch out for those.
*How does this attempt to sound like the character (or not)?
*Do the quotations show reading and support the main points? APA concerns?
*Other grammar, organizational features, or confusing areas to fix?
Click here to read the draft:
*+2 for being chosen, +5 for helpful comments on both drafts that do not repeat
Not sure if it fits the requirements for your scholarship but I would double space and make separate paragraphs. Also would use more quotes from the book and correctly cite them. I also recommend going back and reading through it again because there are a few spelling and capitalization errors. I’d focus on more good about Lori and try to talk her up rather than talk about the disease the whole time. Also because I’m reading the book, this essay doesn’t really seem like Lori is speaking.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say you are the oldest of “three other siblings”, I would say I am the oldest of three.
ReplyDeleteYou could also say that you never heard voices in your youth but it started in the later years and talk about the hardships (if you had any) before the voices and how the voices made it harder.
After you say “puzzeled” it should be I not “a”.
Also after you use the quotation of “You must die!”, there should be an in-text citation with the page number.
You could put how your disease worsened and how it made it even harder.
Say who “they” is when you talk about them killing you.
I believe this scholarship asks what your biggest weakness is, if this is true I would make that clear at the beginning of the paper not so far at the end.
Put your last sentence more in the middle.
Finally, capitalize the “I” after issue in the second to the last sentence.
I wouldn't state that you're going to explain the mental disorder, I would just go right into it.
ReplyDeleteYour sentences are also very short and choppy, try to explain more and make them more interesting.
Cite your quote "You must die!"
There is a few grammar errors too, I noticed that you used "a" and not "I"
It doesn't really sound like you're writing for a scholarship or a college entrance essay, just seems like you'r explaining her life.
You described her as if she wasn't mentally capable of going to college, so I would refrain from using that kind of language.
You use "I" a lot
The essay doesn't sound over, it sounds like you're still going to say something.
I do not understand the requirements for this essay. It seems you are just explaining the illness. It is also a little short. I do like the detail in parts of it.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely need to add the requirements of the essay at the top. I'm going to assume the essay has something to do with mental disorders since you started off talking about Schizophrenia. But you do say something close to the end about this being your "biggest weakness" so maybe the essay is based on that. There is an "i" near the end that needs to be capitalized. "I" is used quite a bit but I do like the descriptive accounts of what happened to your character. The quote does need to be referenced, check notes to make sure you correctly cite it in APA style. The language you use does sound like the character, even though I haven't read the book, I am getting a good picture of what the book is about. I'm not sure if you need to add more or if you hit the requirements of the contest because there is no information on what the essay is so please add that.
ReplyDeleteYou should definitely provide a link to the scholarship or application, word count and requirements, and how it is being judged. If it is a scholarship please create a title to grab readers. The first sentence should have more impact to really keep the judges reading! You should look into your writing and add rhetorical devices that will strengthen your paper. Add your book is KEY, you need to show you have read the whole book by adding in incite citations. Plus make a reference page with your cited book in APA format. Try adding more descriptive verbs and vocabulary because this book seems to have a lot about her emotions describe those more. Also you say let me inform the population and then again say allow me to inform, right below it so maybe try and get rid of one of them because it is just repeating. I would definitely try and focus on more leadership and not just focusing on her disease. A suggestion would be like, talk about how she has had to fight though her disease and the everyday challenges she faces or even how she has overcome to get out of the hospital and work to help write a book to inform people.
ReplyDelete