Please comment to help your fellow classmates.
*I will be grading more harshly on usage of vague pronouns, so watch out for those.
*How does this attempt to sound like the character (or not)?
*Do the quotations show reading and support the main points? APA concerns?
*Other grammar, organizational features, or confusing areas to fix?
Click here to read the draft
*+2 for being chosen, +5 for helpful comments on both drafts that do not repeat
You start off every sentence with "I", you should try to find more sentence starters other than "I". There's also many missed capitalizations, for example "i" or 'i'll." And it also says on the rubric to have examples/quotes from the book, which it looks like you lacked. There was one quote but no reference for it, I’d use an in text citation there. It’s also just one big paragraph, I would break it up and use multiple paragraphs instead of just leaving it as one.
ReplyDeleteI would change your title just because we are suppose to act like we are the charchater talking, I would just call it “Free Speech Essay”.
ReplyDeleteAfter you said “working man” I suggest putting a comma.
You use “I” a lot. Instead of saying things like “I am trying”, you could say “Trying to…”.
When you say “I want my daughters to be doctors. To make a name for themselves.”, get rid of the period after doctors.
The I after “but” in the first sentence is lower case and should be capitalized.
Make what rights you have been denied more clear. What were the denied rights?
The whole paper is kind of choppy. You repeat yourself in multiple sentences, try combing similiar ideas into one or two sentences next to each other so the essay does not sound to be all over the place.
The examples you have given are not things that happened in Ditchidigger’s Daughters, I would go back through the book to make sure your examples are true.
I would go back through and make sure the “I” you keep are properly capitalized.
Finally add quotes from the book to support your essay and make sure you cite them properly with APA format.
Is it meant to be one long essay? If not I would break it up into paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteMany grammar mistakes, make sure you capitalize "I"
Also "American" should be capitalized.
Your sentences are very short and choppy, add more to them to make them interesting.
When you list what Donald works as, you don't need to start every job off with "I worked at" you're writing a list so it's unnecessary.
There is a random "]" within the word "education"
For a formal scholarship or college entrance essay I wouldn't say "damn"
Cite your quote.
You don't really show that you have read much in your essay.
I don't really understand the point of this essay.
You should add the information that we went over in class. Add in the directions, word count, the link to your essay, and how it is being judged.
ReplyDeleteyou are also not capitalizing I (i) as Megan said.
" I have fought in the war even when I didn't want to. Leaving my wife while she was pregnant. I missed my first child's birth and months of her young life." It is a little choppy to read.
You do miss some connecting words like when you say "I try my best to raise my daughters be me strong independent women." Instead you could say "I try my best to raise my daughters to be more strong independent women."
try not to use contractions. Instead of can't say can not
overall I am not sure what the purpose of this essay/scholarship is.
It also does not show details from the book. Just a general overview.
Indent the beginning of your essay as it is the start of a paragraph. As other classmates said, capitalize "i", and maybe delete a couple of the I's there are quite a few. Maybe with some of the choppy sentences you were trying to sound like Donald? The way he talks in the book that doesn't seem like a terrible idea, but if not then you should try to make your short choppy sentences into something more fluent. Your word count is not shown at the end of the essay, but I checked what you are at and you are just over 400. The essay contest says 700-900, which you need to add the link to. I would suggest a few more quotes and maybe another story about being treated unfairly, where Donald's free speech was prevented or he overcame the unfair treatment, since that's what the essay topic is. A random "]" before the word education, I think you meant "an education". That's not the only grammar mistake, so I would proof read it again. Plus, your quote is not cited at all. It has to be in APA style so check notes to make sure the referencing is correct. I would add another paragraph or two since you need more words anyway, add some more quotes from later in the book so you can prove where you are at in the book!
ReplyDeleteThe beginning there is a lot of choppy sentences that can be combined. I's need to be capitalized and there is a random ] in the paper close to the end. Plus in the first part when you talk bout his jobs, I think the word worked was used too much and sentences was very flip floppy from one thing to another and back to the first. Also the paper needs more citations to show you have read the full book and citations need to be cited in the paper. Pus you must include a work count, link for the essay, and how it would be judged if you were to turn it in. Do not forget to also make a reference page with your cited book on it. I would go through and get rid of you, this, them, that and go through the page and find places to use some rhetorical devices. Lastly I would focus more on the leadership Donald had on his children and how he has helped guide them though life.
ReplyDeleteHamlet is a grieving man who is going through massive life changes along with a crisis in his life. From what we know so far, Hamlet seems like a man who is simply losing his mind and grip on reality, from talking to ghosts all the way to rambling random words in order to form a speech. Though Hamlet may have a high seeming status, he is no different than you and I. Hamlet has feelings and it is apparent that he is a strong family man. With his dear father’s passing, it tore Hamlet apart and only made things worse when his mother married his beloved father’s own brother! Hamlet describes his feelings in private, “O most pernicious woman! O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! My tables-meet it as I set it down that one may smile and smile and be a villain. At least I am sure it may be so in Denmark.” Hamlet says aloud to Horatio and Marcellus. He writes, “So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word. It is “adieu, adieu, remember me. I have sworn’t.”(Page 63, line 111-119) Hamlet also refers to his uncle in this way, “The serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown.” (Page 59, line 46-47) Sigmund Freud conducted research in which he states, “Given the belief in psychic universality, the pleasure of the viewer or reader derives from art must be directly linked to that of its creator.” (Feud, 1953.) To truly understand Hamlet, we need to dive into the mind of Shakespeare, the artist behind Hamlet. To my surprise, Freud might be onto something here. Hamlet is a man who feels with everything he has, ranging from intense love to intense anger. “O dear Ophelia, I am till at these numbers. I have not art to reckon my groans, but that I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu. Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is to him, Hamlet.” (Page 91, line 128-132)Hamlet loves Ophelia with everything he has. This is similar to Shakespeare as he has a variety of plays that impact the audience in different ways. Hamlet is important as a person because of the fact that he is an average man who simply has feelings and in my opinion has no reason to say sorry for it. Hamlet is going through a massive breakdown and he truly just needs help and to come to peace with his father’s death, which will only happen once we find out how and why his father passed away. Hamlet as a person, symbolically represents a strong family man who is being pinned out to be the bad guy. Polonius cannot stand Hamlet and wants his daughter to have nothing to do with him. “Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star. This must not be. And then I prescripts gave her, That she should lock herself from his resort. Admit no messengers, receive no tokens;” Polonius explains to the king. (Page 91, line 150-154) It absolutely boggles me how nobody around Hamlet truly feels bad for him or realizes how bizarre the whole situation is with his mother and uncle. The King does not blame Hamlet though, he believes Hamlet is simply acting up due to the circumstances going on in his life. (part 1)
ReplyDeleteHamlet is a grieving man who is going through massive life changes along with a crisis in his life. From what we know so far, Hamlet seems like a man who is simply losing his mind and grip on reality, from talking to ghosts all the way to rambling random words in order to form a speech. Though Hamlet may have a high seeming status, he is no different than you and I. Hamlet has feelings and it is apparent that he is a strong family man. With his dear father’s passing, it tore Hamlet apart and only made things worse when his mother married his beloved father’s own brother! Hamlet describes his feelings in private, “O most pernicious woman! O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! My tables-meet it as I set it down that one may smile and smile and be a villain. At least I am sure it may be so in Denmark.” Hamlet says aloud to Horatio and Marcellus. He writes, “So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word. It is “adieu, adieu, remember me. I have sworn’t.”(Page 63, line 111-119) Hamlet also refers to his uncle in this way, “The serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown.” (Page 59, line 46-47) Sigmund Freud conducted research in which he states, “Given the belief in psychic universality, the pleasure of the viewer or reader derives from art must be directly linked to that of its creator.” (Feud, 1953.) To truly understand Hamlet, we need to dive into the mind of Shakespeare, the artist behind Hamlet. To my surprise, Freud might be onto something here. Hamlet is a man who feels with everything he has, ranging from intense love to intense anger. “O dear Ophelia, I am till at these numbers. I have not art to reckon my groans, but that I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu. Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is to him, Hamlet.” (Page 91, line 128-132)Hamlet loves Ophelia with everything he has. This is similar to Shakespeare as he has a variety of plays that impact the audience in different ways. Hamlet is important as a person because of the fact that he is an average man who simply has feelings and in my opinion has no reason to say sorry for it. Hamlet is going through a massive breakdown and he truly just needs help and to come to peace with his father’s death, which will only happen once we find out how and why his father passed away. Hamlet as a person, symbolically represents a strong family man who is being pinned out to be the bad guy. Polonius cannot stand Hamlet and wants his daughter to have nothing to do with him. “Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star. This must not be. And then I prescripts gave her, That she should lock herself from his resort. Admit no messengers, receive no tokens;” Polonius explains to the king. (Page 91, line 150-154) It absolutely boggles me how nobody around Hamlet truly feels bad for him or realizes how bizarre the whole situation is with his mother and uncle. The King does not blame Hamlet though, he believes Hamlet is simply acting up due to the circumstances going on in his life.
ReplyDeleteSigmund Freud, The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (ed. James Strachey, trans. Strachey et al., 24 vols., 1953–74)