EXTRA CREDIT BLOG
Read the student drafts (1 and 2) and make useful/helpful commentary to assist a classmate. The more helpful the commentary, the more possibility of full +5.
Students who are chosen have been awarded +2 already--no names. Due 1/5/2018 by end of school day.
YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO ID YOURSELF using school email log in,
or your comments will not receive extra credit.
PLEASE do more than edit.
Help with:
*organization
*strength of argument
*strength of sources
*usage/integration of assigned reading
*adding sources/databases to help
*wording/vocabulary
*structure of APA
*other checklist areas: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mELSpMIAem9F91-TYBxTcYdU0ZrYJ-ciUhk17F_Qa7g/edit?usp=sharing
STUDENT DRAFT 1
One of the substantial problems in America is mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. “Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.”(NIMH, 2016) On average, 5,890,000 adults in America have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This disorder is common during late teens to early twenties. Therapeutic talking, medication, and support from family and friends are all different solutions to the ongoing problem of this mental illness.
Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes a person to have “highs” and “lows”, meaning they could have great days, but also have terrible days. During their good days, they feel overly joyful about everything, but on their bad days they can feel erratically depressed. Contemplating suicide goes through their minds during their extreme “lows”. In other words, the go through extreme mood swings daily. Although bipolar disorder may be manageable, it cannot be cured. “Hormonal imbalances might trigger or cause bipolar disorder. Environmental factors: abuse, mental stress, a “significant loss,” or some other traumatic event may contribute to or trigger bipolar disorder.” (Nordqvist, 2017)
One solution to help bipolar disorder is therapeutic talking. The option to talk to someone can help with a person’s mental instability tremendously. Or it might not. Some people would prefer to keep their feelings and problems to themselves, although that is not always the best solution. Those people might get annoyed or displeased if their family or friends try pushing them to go to a therapist. Sometimes it is better to let them decide for themselves, unless it starts causing a threat toward their lives, or the lives of others. Talking to a psychiatrist can help immensely, they can help maintain bipolar disorder. Talking with a therapist can provide support and assist a person with different kinds of coping methods that they did not know before. Being bipolar can make a person’s life very problematic and cause them a considerable amount of emotional stress. A lot of people do not understand what goes through a bipolar person’s mind, so talking to a therapist, who is trained to listen and try to understand, can make a big difference.
Another option to ease through bipolar disorder is medication. Certain bipolar medications can make an immense difference in a person’s life. It can help keep their “highs” and “lows” under control. But, it could also have a negative effect on a person, such as blurred vision, dry mouth, drowsiness, muscle spasms or tremors, and weight gain. However, medicine has helped an immeasurable amount.
Another solution to help bipolar disorder is support. Support can go a long way when it is from the people that the person loves and is close to. People that have a mental disability can feel secluded and down about themselves, and they need that support from their family and friends. Not understanding the illness and not knowing how to react during their “lows” is very common, but it is not good to shy away from them. Although they are afraid of asking sometimes, they need help and support. Bipolar disorder is no different than having a physical illness, everyone needs the same kind of love and support during their hard times.
To conclude, bipolar disorder is an ongoing problem in America today. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that results in a person having extreme mood swings. It is not curable, but can be maintained. Therapeutic talking, medication, and support from their loved ones can all help with this very unfortunate mental illness. Therapeutic talking can provide people with support, and assist them with different coping methods. Medication can make a tremendous amount of difference in a person’s life. Support from family and friends is very important for anyone with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder.
Your paper has a lot of good facts, just don’t forget to cite whenever you include numbers and statistics. I think if you try to lengthen your paper, try including maybe a personal experience or a try to use a story to give the reader a better understanding of this disease. Also, if you try to vary your sentence structure throughout that may help lengthen your paper and make it more intriguing. Some transitions you may want to use instead of the generic ones could be: all things considered, in the long run, comparatively, equally, furthermore, additionally, not to mention, by the same token, altogether, in essence, and all in all. You have the start of a great paper just don’t forget to put your own words into it, and add the facts and stats to help strengthen what you want to say!
ReplyDeleteFrom: Lauren Peters
I think your paper has a fairly good structure for how you want it to flow. Statistics could help back up your topic problem of bipolar disorder where you talk about medications. I would also vary structure of sentences like Lauren said to keep it less routine. Your 3rd and 4th paragraphs could benefit from a new transition sentence into the new paragraph. They're very structured as in step 1, 2, 3 but you should add some pzazz.Another thing for your 3rd and 4th paragraphs- you could have the 3rd be about support which could lead the 4th with how medications are connected with it. That could help make flow or a better transition between those two paragraphs. For a conclusion, your paper can have an intriguing fact that maybe most people don't know. It would be beneficial to add a source of a person or authority with this disorder. Finishing up your paper with a really grabbing conclusion you make could help.
ReplyDeleteFrom: Nykole Fitzgibbon
I feel your draft should start with a better attention grabber. It seemed to me you went straight to facts. The support is good, however, I think if you added references from the books we have read it would strengthen your point and help others understand with that comparison. I noticed the word "their" quite a few times, might want to vary your word usage somewhat. You mention a lot of great therapeutic methods that can help with this disorder; an example of the success it has on people would be a great thing to add. Overall, it's a good start!
ReplyDeleteFrom:Marissa Ackerman
ReplyDeleteFrom reading your draft, I feel as if you have a very long first paragraph filled with a lot of information. Although helpful and very factual, it could be hard for the reader to understand and may be too much information for the reader to remember at that time. I'd make your first paragraph into two or even three separate paragraphs discussing the different points, making your paper flow better and overall, easier to understand. Regarding your next two paragraphs, they seem a bit short. As Lauren suggested earlier in the blog, I would add some type of real-life situation to give the paper more life and not just bore your reader with facts and data. You also do use the word "Another" at the start of BOTH of your paragraphs. I like how you explained suggestions and solutions about bipolar disorder, but also the negatives of it. Your conclusion paragraph, though, is kind of out of place. In your summary, you should have already explained the three main body topics, either in the intro of the paper or intertwined with your body paragraphs. A helpful hint to enhance your paper is to try expanding your vocabulary as much as possible. You are also forgetting to use APA style format, a title, and a reference page with your citations in correct order. All in all, you have a factual and interesting paper started.
The biggest thing that I can recommend is using real life examples to support your argument. I suggest that you find a database to support your argument as well. Your conclusion needs a better ending sentence. It shouldn't seem like you have more to say after the end.
ReplyDeleteYou should also mention some cons to your solutions. I know you mentioned side effects to medication but the other solutions must have their cons as well. You may want to gather quotes from your book to support your argument. The quotes you have are very good quotes, however, they don't seem to be from you book as there are no page numbers. While you definitely did extensive research, you don't appear to tie your book in anywhere in the paper.
DeleteYou might also want to indicate what solution is the best solution and really go in depth on it. All of your solutions are important and go hand in hand, but their might be one solution that can lead to the others.
DeleteYour draft starts out very strong by using statistics and a definition. It grabs the readers attention. Your draft structure is pretty good for the most part besides some minor fixes. I would expand on the second paragraph. You are lacking some APA style requirements, such as name, date, class, hour and indentation for your first paragraph, but you did provide references. You do a very good job explaining the day to day struggle those suffering from bipolar disorder have to deal with. Your thesis is very clear to me as well. The use of quotes and examples in the first paragraph is excellent. I would like to see more of that in the other paragraphs to strengthen them. Maybe expand on different types of medications used to control bipolar disorder in your second paragraph. You may need a stronger ending paragraph rather than just reiterating what you said before. You have to bring it all together and make sure it makes sense. Your draft is off to a great start!
ReplyDeleteYour paper is great when describing the solutions to help with bipolar depression. The statistics in the beginning of the paper are great support, but I think you should also add in a quote or two from a book on a person with this mental disorder. Lori from the book, The Quiet Room, would be a great example of the effects of bipolar depression on an individual. As for the structure of your paper, I would use different transition words that don't repeat in other paragraphs and to avoid numbering your paragraphs. In the rubric, we are asked to show cons in our papers and discussing the negative effects and setbacks of people with bipolar depression face when taking medications. Good work so far!
ReplyDeleteOverall I enjoyed your paper,however to make it stronger I would suggest using more complex words to get your point across. Your paper has simple calculated sentences and it follows the Intro(thesis), body, then conclusion, and also has a feel like it is just a big list. Try to add some uniqueness to your structure and sentences and I'm sure you'll make a great paper.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is fairly average with good factual information to grab reader. Some sentences are awkward, but with better sentence structure, that can be fixed. Your first body paragraph, describing the disorder, triggers some ethos, which is a good approach. I would maybe split the paragraph into two though, as the “therapeutic talking” kind of dives into a different subject. When scanning over your paper, I see cases in which your vocabulary could be stronger. To be helpful, I am not really seeing a true argument in this paper. There is a point made that bipolar disorder is a problem, and support to help it, but I would try to add more “spice” to the argument, making it more clear to the reader in your intro paragraph what you are truly arguing. I would also say to add more proof to the paper overall. This will help to strengthen your argument. For what you have cited APA so far though is correctly cited, so that’s awesome. But remember to add in a title and to format your paper in the APA style. I’d also try to add proof from assigned readings as well. I would not get rid of much in your draft though, because it is all good information, but adding certain facts and experiences will add to the reader’s interest level when reading this.
ReplyDeleteGreat paper, topic, and organization. I do have a few suggestions though. Add more from the book (more summery) or even other supporting sources. This will help lengthen your paper a little bit and also the more support you add it will be easier for you to organize your paper. One last thing. Find better ways to transition through your paragraphs. This is just a suggestion. Also change up your conclusion. Try not to say "to conclude" it sounds good but i feel like the transition could be better.
ReplyDelete