EXTRA CREDIT BLOG
Read the student drafts (1 and 2) and make useful/helpful commentary to assist a classmate. The more helpful the commentary, the more possibility of full +5 (for post blogs together)
Students who are chosen have been awarded +2 already--no names. Due 1/5/2018 by end of school day.
YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO ID YOURSELF using school email log in,
or your comments will not receive extra credit.
PLEASE do more than edit.
Help with:
*organization
*strength of argument
*strength of sources
*usage/integration of assigned reading
*adding sources/databases to help
*wording/vocabulary
*structure of APA
*other checklist areas: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mELSpMIAem9F91-TYBxTcYdU0ZrYJ-ciUhk17F_Qa7g/edit?usp=sharing
Student B Draft
CCP English
1st Hour
12/21/17
Catcher in the Rye problem solution
A cool moist substance runs down your face as you are striving to reach your goal you set yourself for failure but to only see yourself succeed in the end this substance you achieved after this hard work is sweat. A problem in todays society is lack of work ethic we need more sweat in our country. The country of america is in a deep hole of lack of work ethic such as how refugees are starting to fill in jobs that americans want but to lazy to work. The problem with this problem today is that if we do not stop this lack of work ethic soon we will have so many people getting money from the government because they will have children and they cannot afford food or schooling for them so that's where a lot of our tax money goes. A good way to help stop lacking in the work ethic area is by a couple of steps such as Communicating better, means to talk to them face to face to make them feel valued. Empower them, let them give you suggestion about how you can improve the company better or what would be more efficient. And Provide incentives, give your workers something they can work for besides just money like if they hit a personal goal they should achieve a gift card or if its a really good goal possibly even a paid day off. In the Book Catcher in the Rye Holden Caulfield has an enormous amount of lacking for work ethic. As Holden attended pencey a big school for really smart kids or smarter than the average bear kind of kids, Holden has the ability to pass all hiss classes possibly even get A’s in all of them but Holden chooses not to do any homework or doesn't get involved in class activities. As Holden continued this path at Pencey he soon was noticed that he had to leave the school because he was failing his classes. How will Holden's parents feel about this? “Well...they’ll be pretty irritated about it. They really will, This is about the fourth school i’ve gone to” (Holden,1946, pg 9). But before holden gets kicked out he had work ethic for other people but not himself such as when stratelator wanted Holden to write a paper for him Holden did. When Holden left Pencey he was very lousy with his money i mean lousy to the point where when Holden ran into someone he recently talked to he would offer them a drink or a hot chocolate. Holden met up with an old friend by the name of Sally she was nice and Beautiful as Holden described her but when Holden went to the ice rink with sally Holden couldn't help but want to tell sally that he loved her. Holden soon told Sally that he wanted to go away with her and live in a cabin and get a job to live together in peace. But Holden would say these things but i dont think actually meaning them. Because Holden never had a job at the moment just thinking ahead.
In your paper you have several sentences that are either run-on or overly wordy. You can solve this problem by breaking your sentences apart, using commas, and removing words that are not necessary. Your very first sentence is good example. I recommend breaking it into 3 sentences and removing some of the words at the end of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteYou need support for your claim that their is a lack of work ethic today. You state what will happen if the problem is not fixed but, you only briefly show how it is a problem today. Use statistics and specific examples to show your problem. You need to expand on your ideas to solve the problem and make them their own paragraph(s).
Use quotes from the book that support your topic not just any random quote.
Separate your paper in to paragraphs and make sure you have a conclusion.
- T.J. Wing
I read your paper again and I think I know what your quote was getting at. You should talk about how children and teenagers are not pushed/disciplined by their parents. Like your quote says it's his 4th school so they aren't disciplining him they just keep paying for him to go to these expensive schools. The end of your paper is a good summary of the book, but right at the end you start to stray away from the topic.
DeleteI really liked how you began your paper. It is a good attention grabber and relates to your point. I agree with TJ, there are several run-on sentences and some spelling errors. I found your reference to Catcher and the Rye a good example. Maybe you could relate that situation to one in our society. Where do you see a lack of work ethic in America? Another suggestion I have is to see if you can find a database that supports your point.
ReplyDeleteFrom:Marissa Ackerman
ReplyDeleteOn the positive side, APA format is used to start the paper (Class, hour, date and title provided). I can also identify the problem as “lack of work ethic”. The solutions to this problem (Communicating, Empowering, and Incentives) are strong. I would expand on these solutions and cite examples from the book if able. Overall, there is a lack of organization to the paper. There are many punctuation errors in this text: missing commas, lack of capitalizing (A in America, P in Pencey, and I versus i, and proper names), and run on sentences. This makes for a difficult read. Some suggestions that would be helpful for the student, as well as the reader, is to italicize Catcher in the Rye, reference the book and include a reference page with citations.
I feel the solutions should be placed near the end of the draft after describing the lack of work ethic from the book. This should also be a separate paragraph. I would also use a database of some sort to strengthen your topic, as well as some of the points you made. A conclusion or summary paragraph of the problem/solution is needed at the end of your paper to tie everything together.
Avoid pronouns "I" "you" which are used many times in your paper. You have a lot of grammar errors and capitalization errors as well. Try and add some rhetorical devices to strengthen your paper. You have one quote in your paper and that's good but try and add a few more to help get your point across. Near the end of your paper you just summarize the book but should actually focus on the "problem/solution" aspect of the paper. Your conclusion needs a lot of work too. (If you have one) Your paper ends without a summary of your essay. -Alec Blank
ReplyDeleteYour draft needs work from start to finish. First of all, you need to organize your paper with not just one paragraph but with an intro, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion. You also do not have any sources or reference page listed. You do have your name, date, class, and hour so that is a plus for APA style. The first sentence of your draft does not make any sense to me at all. You make the assumption that more people are living off the system, then those who have "sweat" and therefore have a strong work ethnic. You should write you paper so that readers (like myself) can understand what from Catcher in the Rye your trying to expand on. There are many run-on sentences that need to be put into two different sentences. For example, in sentence number 4, you need to explain what the problem is and for another sentence you need to put how to resolve it. For the next sentence, replace the word lacking with the lack of work ethnic and then remove area. I suggest breaking your steps for solution into paragraphs and backing them up with evidence or examples. Adding the author's name after the book is an APA Style requirement. One thing I do like about your draft is that you asked a question and answered it with a perfect quote. The end of your draft is very confusing to follow. Overall, your draft needs help but with these suggestions I have given you, I hope that this will make it easier for readers to understand your draft. -Kelsea Ackerman
ReplyDeleteI like how you started your paper its alot better than your recents, you should talk about the negatives to incentives, you should also chop up some of your sentences they are long.Try interviewing someone to get a quote or two from them possibly even getting info about how work ethic in certain jobs are decreasing. Also try ending your paper with a stronger conclusion I know its a rough draft but try summing up all your points with a statement or a quote.
ReplyDeleteI like how the first sentence starts as a beginning of a book,but I don't really understand it. Split it up into different sentences instead of one big run on sentence. "..we need more sweat in our country." then you should tell us what the sweat is because I really like the phrase, but I think you should say something like the sweat is a great work ethic, striving to be better than your peers, etc.You really have done a good job of giving me visuals as a reader in your first paragraph already, I was interested right away. I don't like your sentence where you say the problem with this problem. I like how you state your solutions, but order feels a little junky because you start talking about your book right after. Maybe state the problem and some facts about it, go into your book, state a solution and then a paragraph right after the solutions going into cons of it. Just needs to go into more depth about your solutions, you only really state them once. You could do a if then scenario in the book you are using for this paper. Need a conclusion to wrap up your paper.
ReplyDeleteKianne Wendt
Right away, when I first started reading your paper, I noticed that you have run-on sentences that could be corrected as two different thoughts in separate sentences. Your spelling and grammar errors makes it difficult for a reader to focus on the purpose of your paper. You used good support using the book Catcher in the Rye for showing a lazy person with no grit. Another good way to put extra support in your paper is using statistics on the number of people who are lazy. You could break it down into age groups or how employment has been affected by lazy workers. I would also unbold those words that you bolded randomly in the paper. I would also talk about a con to telling people they are lazy and need to change. How would enforce people not to be lazy and obtain good work ethic? This would be a good paragraph to talk about the cons of motivating people. Good start to your paper!
ReplyDeleteStarting with “a cool moist” is a good hook, but that continues on the be a run-on sentence. For much of the paper, this is the case. This is not a good way to start your paper. Your sentence structure is choppy, making it hard to read. Also, “The country of america” can be referred to as any country in North or South America, so I’d probably clear that up, that way the greatest country in the world (USA) is represented. Make sure to capitalize correctly, as there are multiple areas around the paper that are incorrect. You also need proof. You make a lot of accusations throughout the paper that are unsupported, therefore not viewed as necessarily true. When talking about your steps, I would also not bold the ideas, as that is not correct to do. Also, try to be more clear when citing from the books, as you need to show the significance of your citations.
ReplyDelete